fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
