I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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