I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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