I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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