guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
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