he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
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