apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
