all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
