I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
