I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
