would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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