I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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