i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
