shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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