on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
