I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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