I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
