Your face is a jimmy john
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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