Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
