Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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