I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
