Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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