I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
