dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
