i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
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