If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
