i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize