I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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