hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize