Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
