Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
if only i could text you this smell
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize