It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
