Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
she woke up with a sticky ear
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
