his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
