John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
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