I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
