At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
