garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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