i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
