How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
