Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Dignity is for republicans.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
