Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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