i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Randomize
