Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
