Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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