i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Someone signed my nipple.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
