i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
