Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
