Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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