I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
