He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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