the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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