I'll bet she douches with gravy.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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