Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
