he puts the penis in happiness.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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