What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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