I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
