i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
