I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
