well I can't set my house on fire every night
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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