I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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