i think i scared a bird with my dick
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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