This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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