her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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