peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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