is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
