FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
